Through an xray this morning, we found out that our pet dog, Caspian had extensive cancer throughout his body. It had spread from hip to lungs and was starting to have a significant impact on his movement, breathing and eating; as soon as I saw the vet's face and the xray, I knew the decision was pretty much made for us. Euthanizing our dog was the only humane (interesting word eh?) option.
In a way I was relieved that the diagnosis was so clear. Charity and I would not have to ponder, question and argue about what to do next. We would simply have to deal with what needed to be done. And so, I took the dog home, sadly shook my head "no" to my wife and picked up my nearest son, hugging him tightly for some reason. Charity and I tried to communicate in short sentence bursts and head nods quietly starting the grief process and trying not to let on too much to the two boys that were home. We desperately wanted to wait until Caleb was home from school, so we could all talk and process together as a family.
After Caleb arrived home, we told the kids, and the crying began. While I took comfort in the fact that the proper decision was being made and good lessons were being learned, watching the tears stream down my kids' faces just about ruined me. I knew they were hurting (I was too) but I really wanted them to learn a couple things through this whole experience. I had a number of "dad thoughts" that I hoped they were able to catch and hear.
#1 The afterlife is just as real (if not more so) than this one.
#2 Animals are fundamentally different than humans
#3 It is normal to hurt over loss
#4 When you hurt, it is best to be surrounded by your family
#5 God knows what He is doing
Those were the things I hope they caught or heard. The following are some of the things they said. Their thoughts bubbling to the surface. I worked hard to remember their words.
(Observing Charity cry) "Why are you crying mommy?" Nolan
(When he first heard, he immediately started crying and said) "I don't want Caspian to go to heaven" Nolan
(After Caleb asked what they were going to do with the dead body, and Charity said the vet would take care of it) "Well that won't be as much fun... he won't be running around and stuff" Caleb
(After talking around the table, we took some pictures with the dog. As we took pictures with Cas...) "But it is just so hard to smile", Caleb
(As the boys sat on my lap before we took the dog in) "This is the saddest day of my life" Caleb
(In response) This is the second saddest of my life. Yesterday was sadder because I played with more girls than boys" Nolan.
(Still on my lap) "Whenever we talk about it, I just cry" Caleb
(In response) "Oy yoi yoi, that kid" Nolan
(When I came home from the vet) "Is Cas in heaven now? Playing with Cleo?" Nolan
(After bedtime prayers) "Is Cas still going to be gone tomorrow" Caleb
So thats it... a rough day but a beautiful one.
Ty
